


One Bad Apple

by Cave_of_the_mounds



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Season/Series 14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 16:02:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17206493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cave_of_the_mounds/pseuds/Cave_of_the_mounds
Summary: A night of pranking goes terribly wrong.Written for the Make Andi Laugh/Andi Turns 36 challenge with the prompt "Look at me. Psychological damage up to here." from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.Cross-posted to tumblr @butiaintgonnaloveem





	One Bad Apple

**Author's Note:**

> Italics are events in the past.

_“Alright, Maggie,” you whispered as you handed her a small box, the contents rattling with the motion. “You got this.”_

_She nodded, still clearly not assured, “Yeah, stick it with the pointy end, but not too deep.”_

_“Right! Just grab it by the handle, stab, repeat.”_

_She looked around again, making sure no one was watching. “What is this called again?” Maggie whispered._

_“Forking.”_

“What.” Dean responds flatly.

“She said he was ‘getting forked up.’”

“And you were doing what again?”

“They were sticking hundreds of plastic forks in the yard,” Sam explains.

“Amateurs,” Dean says while shaking his head.

“Yeah, well, I doubt bribing a bouncer to allow for a private strip tease in the back room was much of an option for her and a bunch of kids, Dean.”

A dreamy smile stretches over his face, “Now that…that was less of a prank and more of a gift.”

Jack imitates a Cas face and squints curiously while Maggie’s face blanches, “Oh, God, was that an option? Would she have?”

Sam gives Dean the look of ‘now look what you did’ and Dean waves her off and tries to get back on track, “How did this start?”

_You let out an unladylike grunt as you haul the two IKEA-sized bags onto the table._

_“Whoa, what’s going on here? Didn’t we just have a supply run?” Maggie asked._

_Your lips curved into a villainous grin, “We did, but we needed more for the special occasion.”_

_“Special occasion?” she asked, nosing through the overflowing bags._

_“Yeah, now go grab Jack and some of the other older kids. We’re gonna have some fun.”_

_Once you had a small group, you piled them and the supplies into a van and drove, stopping just as you got far enough away to avoid recognition by any locals._

_“And this is what young people do for recreation?” Jack clarified once you started to explain the details of what you were leading them into._

_“Well, it’s not a team sport or anything, but it can be fun.You’re too old for trick-or-treating, but there’s no reason for you all to be stuck in the bunker for Halloween. Lots of kids do it, I did it when I was a teenager. No one gets hurt, it’s just a little pranking and fun. A way to let off some steam and enjoy the day.”_

Sam, Dean, and Cas all shake their heads - Dean in agreement, Sam in resignation, and Cas in acknowledgement.

“Alright, but we’re well past Halloween, I don’t really know how this connects to what’s going on now. What else happened?” The kids all look at each other, confusion and fear in their expressions. Dean snaps, using his dad voice, “Oh, come on, no one’s gonna be mad at you for narcing, but if we’re gonna find some answers, someone’s gotta start talking.”

Maggie cracks first at the scolding tone, picking up the rest of the story.

_You reassured them that nothing you were doing would cause any permanent harm or destruction, avoiding the temptation of Costco-sized cartons of eggs and shaving cream. Your own story of having Nair dumped on you still nightmarish enough to induce shivers. Nope, you stocked up on toilet paper, forks, streamers and glitter. As you explained to your accomplices, just because you were maybekindasorta vandalizing property, that didn’t mean you had to be total dicks about it._

_“Oh ohohoh shit look at that tree!” you whisper-shout as you pointed gleefully to the tall, spindly centerpiece of the yard, “That one’s perfect. Okay, so, you grab the end of the paper like this, and then throw the roll while you hold onto the end. Yeah, yeah, just like that. Okay, so then once it’s got some length to it, you let go and then get the roll once it falls out of the tree and do it again til the tree’s full.” You giggled as you finished and the kids looked at you uncertainly._

_“Just…like this, it sounds dumb, but it’s fun, I promise.” You stepped forward and demonstrate tossing the roll of toilet paper into the tree, watching as it bounces down the branches leaving a thin white trail behind it. “Come on, you do it!”_

_Jack and another boy stepped up and followed your lead, and after a few more strings of paper littered the tree, the others joined in too, stifling giggles in between tossing paper and leaves up in the air and at each other. You stepped back to admire their handiwork and let them have the fun they deserve, nearly knocking Maggie over as you stumbled into her._

_“Oh, hey, you okay?”_

_She shifted from side to side, her hands tucked up in her sleeves and shook her head just slightly._

_“What’s wrong? You not having fun?”_

_“I am, I guess? I don’t know. I’m just not sure we should be doing this.”_

_“Well, of course we’re not supposed to be doing this, that’s why we’re sneaking around, but it’s just for fun. You know? Mischief? That’s what tonight’s all about, and since the guys aren’t here to piss on my fun parade, let’s enjoy it. OR….ohhhhhh, I know. I could drop you off to spend some time with that boy from town you’ve been talking to.”_

_Even in the low light of the streetlights, Maggie’s blush was obvious. “Uhh, I don’t know about that. I’m not really like that. I don’t even know how.”_

_“Don’t be embarrassed. I can teach you the not-so-subtle art of the late-night sext. You’re allowed to have a crush, and who knows, maybe you could get some kissing action goin. I’ll find you a super hot low-cut shirt to show off the goods and I know the perfect color lipstick you car wear. Maggie and whatshisname sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g,” you nudged her playfully with your elbow, nearly knocking her stiff body over. “Well, okay, if you’re really that embarrassed it can just be a nice, regular text-”_

_“Someone’s watching us,” she hissed, cutting you off._

_You followed her gaze to see movement from around a garage, “Shit. Okay, time to do some damage control. Be right back.”_

_You tried to shush the others as you passed them and briskly walked across the property, slowing as you approached the corner, calling out a quiet ‘hello’ as you moved._

“So then what, cops show up and shut you guys down?” Dean asks, arms crossed over his chest.

“Well, no. She talked to her and then… and then we went to another house.”

“Great. You know? So far, none of this is helping to explain why she’s like this now or what triggered it,” Dean tosses his hands up in frustration and paces away from the group.

Maggie tucks her chin down as though she’d been scolded and Sam steps in to squeeze her shoulder, “Hey, why don’t you guys go take a break, go and enjoy some of that baking she’s been doing?”

Maggie spares a glance at Dean, then nods and tiptoes her way out.

“This is useless man. Cas, can’t you do your body scan thing and check again for any curses or possession?”

“Dean, I can assure you, nothing has changed since the last time I tried. And with how she’s been, I highly doubt she will willingly let me penetrate her like that again.”

Dean’s face scrunches with disgust, “Ew. Okay…don’t ever say that again.”

Sam sits at the corner of the nearest table, “Well Dean, we had to miss a clue, when did you say all this started?”

“Dude. You were there.”

_As Sam shuffled in front of him, Dean mosied down the metal staircase, trying to be as light on his feet as possible and failing miserably due to his exhaustion. He readjusted the duffle bag flung over his shoulder and left the lights low as they started walking through the war room to get to the bedrooms. Now and then they heard voices from inside the other rooms, but no one opened any doors to check on the noises they made. Dean barely paid attention to what was going on, moving on autopilot until he abruptly slammed into the wall of Sam in front of him._

_“What the hell, Sammy?”_

_“Ahh, umm, I don’t know. You tell me.” He moved over to the wall and gestured to Dean to step ahead of him. There, outside the bedroom you two shared, were two neat stacks of bankers boxes._

_Dean pouted, “What the-”_

_“Yeah. What did you do? We were only gone like three days? How could you piss her off like that?”_

_Dean looked up, a helpless expression on his face, “Nothing. I swear things are fine.”_

_“Mmmhmm, sure that’s why she packed all your sh-. Um. Oh,” Sam paused, eyes scanning the labels on the boxes, “What did she pack?”_

_Dean stepped next to him, head tilted and and lips moving as he mumbled the words written in your handwriting:_

_‘Adult Toys’_

_‘Revealing Clothing’_

_‘Adult Reading Material/Videos’_

_‘Sexual Clothing - Women’_

_“Do I wanna know why there is a whole box labeled ‘Sexual Clothing - Men’? Sam asked, lower lip quivering as he stifled a laugh, his fingers fumbling to lift the lid._

_“Shut up. Go to bed,” Dean ordered as he slapped the lid._

“You’re sure there was nothing else going on before that?” Sam checks again, getting an eye roll as an answer from Dean. “Just trying to rule out cursed objects, or whether she mighta picked up something from a case before that.”

“Nothing. Nada. Zilch.” Dean wipes his hands over his face and walks toward the door that leads to the kitchen and gestures in that direction. “One day she’s normal, everything’s fine and dandy and I mean every part of the relationship is fine. Then we get home that night, and she’s like some weird Stepford wife. I might as well be moved out of my room. She cleaned out all the kinky stuff, including our bed. My bed! Which I fucking loved. How’d she even get twin beds in here anyway? And why would two adults who are fucking want twin beds? What was wrong with people back in the day?”

Sam shrugs, “I don’t know. You sure she’s not pranking you or something? She wasn’t holding on to anything you did before?”

Dean purses his lips while his eyes scan the air for any memories that might pop out at him, finally breaking the silence after a minute, “Nope. Still no idea why she went fucking Ozzie and Harriet on us.”

“Well, that is some language that a lady never likes to hear, and it’s rude to gossip, you know.”

Sam, Dean, and Cas all turn to see you standing in the doorway, lips in a tight line of annoyance. Sam is the first to snap out of it.

“So sorry, we really should watch our language. We’ll work on it,” he says with a placating smile.

You wiggle your shoulders a little with satisfaction, “I appreciate that. Now,” you say as you step into the room, “I didn’t come in here just to scold you gentlemen, I bring sustenance.” You lift the baking dish and plates up to prove your point.

“That what all those apples were for?” Dean’s eyes light up.

“Of course they were, I know exactly what you like,” you walk to the table, clearing away the stacks of books and papers they’d been searching through. “I do expect you to share, too.”

“I make no promises.” He moves forward and places his hands on your hips, his mouth just starting to nuzzle at your neck before you jerk away.

You shake your head as you start to slice and plate up the dessert, handing pieces to Sam and Cas and then finally Dean, “Eat up!”

Dean pauses for a minute to shake off another rejection from you, then takes the plate, twirling the fork around once before preparing to dig in, only to stop himself short. “What’s this? Is that…oatmeal? This isn’t pie.”

“No, it’s not,” you answer curtly, “It’s apple crisp. All the yumminess of pie without all the crust.”

Sam and Cas share a look behind Dean’s back as he slumps with disappointment.

“Without all the? But the crust is the best part!”

“And I think  _everyone_  knows you feel that way.” You spare a side-eye glance over to Sam and Cas. “You make the most inappropriate noises when you eat it; sounds that are truly not welcome in polite company. So, to save us all the embarrassment, I made you this. It’s just as delicious and you’re welcome.”

With the finality of that statement, you turn on your heel and stride away.

Dean drops the plate on the table, then turns back to Sam and Cas, eyes wide with panic. “I-I can’t deal with this. No sex, no more of those tight pants she used to wear…and now no pie? Look at me.” He raises a hand level with the top of his head, “Psychological damage up to here. What the hell happened to my kickass, horny girlfriend?”

“Oh, I didn’t need to hear that,” Maggie whines as she walks back into the room, face tight in disgust.

“Newsflash Maggie, women are horny too,” Dean whines back, mocking her tone.

“Dean, ugh, come on,” Sam quickly sets his plate down by Dean’s and pushes him back, “Sorry, Maggie, he’s just a little frustrated.”

She nods reluctantly, not bothering to hold back how obviously she’s cringing; her nostrils flared, lips in a sneer and big baby doe eyes eyeing Dean warily.

“Yeah, I’m frustrated. We’re missing something, and that’s the only night unaccounted for. Tell us what happened that night one more time.”

Everyone except Dean throws their head back with a groan, but he twirls his finger around prompting her to tell the story again.

“…and so then she went over to the other side of the property and talked to the woman. She was over there for a few minutes, then they had something to drink, and then she came back and we left.”

Sam practically jumps forward a few steps at that, “Wait, you said she had a drink. What was it?”

Maggie jumps away from Sam and his eagerness, hands raised in surrender, “I don’t know!” she squeaks.

Sam dips his head down, clearly scolding himself for getting so jumpy and steps back, “Right. Sorry. Okay, well, did any of you hear what they were saying, or-or is there anything you can tell us about this woman?”

“And why didn’t you mention that before?” Dean growls.

Her eyes well up with tears that quickly run down her cheeks in fat droplets, “I-I-I don’t know. I forgot, I guess.”

“You for-” Dean trails off before finishing the question, anger making his shoulders draw back and nostrils flare. He huffs out a deep breath, then finishes the thought. “You forgot? She took a drink from a mysterious stranger on Halloween and then her personality changed completely…and you forgot about it?”

“I guess?” She shrugs, “Nothing bad happened, so I just didn’t think about it.”

“You need to go away right now.” Dean scrunches his eyes closed as he points blindly at the door.

She doesn’t need to be told twice and she bumps her shoulder in the the doorframe in her hurry to escape.

“That was unnecessary.”

“She’s unnecessary.”

“Dean,” Sam sighs impatiently, “Let’s just work the lead. We need to find out what she remembers of that night.” He leaves Dean standing in the room and goes to get you from yours. He’s practically shoving you down the hall as you mutter indignantly.

“Goodness gracious, Sam,” you try to glare as you shove your arms hastily through the large fluffy sleeves of your robe, trying to cover up your ling-sleeved pajama top and pants. “At least give me a moment let me cover up with my robe. Not everyone needs to see me so indecently. A lady deserves to have some dignity.”

“Sorry,” he half-smiles, “But it’s urgent.” His tone suggests that he’s not sorry at all though.

Dean and Castiel are standing next to an empty chair. You can feel their eyes roam over you, Cas with a squinting expression and Dean with a look of determination.

“Can we talk with you about something?” Sam asks, guiding you gently to the chair.

“Sure?”

“Tell us what happened on Halloween.” Dean demands as he spreads his legs and crosses his arms in his best “I’m in charge here” pose.

You feel your cheeks go warm and you focus on your knees, held tightly together with crossed ankles, your fingers folded on your lap like the very picture of modesty. “I’d rather not. It’s a source of embarrassment for me.”

“Too bad.”

“Please,” Sam says over Dean, trying to ease the mounting tension. “We’re not here to judge anything, just want to hear about what happened and maybe if you remember anyone strange you talked to.”

_“Someone’s watching us.”_

_You followed Maggie’s nod and saw movement then quickly made your way over, calling out a hushed, “Hello?”_

_“Yes?” a feminine voice responded tersely._

_“Hi? Umm, please can I just talk to you? This isn’t what it looks like. I mean, it is, but we’re not assholes, so maybe we can keep the cops out of it?”_

_The owner of the voice steps out of the shadows of a neatly kept garden. She’s a tiny, older woman dressed up and perfectly poised though it’s the middle of the night. “Why should I?”_

_“Uhh,” you gracefully stalled, “Because these kids - they um, they just got out of a very very religious life. Hellfire and damnation and all that, so they’re just having some fun. I’m supervising them to make sure nothing bad happens.”_

_Her eyes dart around behind you, taking in the scene of giggling teenagers and toilet paper swaying in the breeze. “So what is this, like a Rumspringa?”_

_“Yes!” you exclaim, then clear your throat and repeat much more calmly, “Yes, it’s just like that.”_

_“And what about the young lady you were talking with before you came over? I don’t see her’ just having some fun’.”_

_“Oh, yeah, well she’ll get there. I think there’s a boy she’d rather be just having some fun with, ifyouknowwhatimean?” you finish with an awkward laugh while the woman looks you up and down with a single pointed brow practically raised into her hairline._

_“Hmm. I see.” Like a switch flipped, her scowl turned into a mischievous grin and her eyes started to gleam, “Well, what’s a night of frivolity without a little nip, hmm?” She takes a flask out of a hidden pocket in her coat._

_“Nothing too strong, I still gotta get these kids home safe.”_

_“Oh no, just a sweet little shot. Do you like apple pie?”_

_“I am all about that apple pie life.”_

_“Well then. Cheers to that.” She takes a sip and then passes it to you._

_You wipe the mouth of the flask and whisper “Christo” before taking a sip trying to cover at least a few bases just in case, then immediately savored the warm and delicious combination of apple and caramel vodkas. “Oh, that’s good.”_

_“I know. Now you be good,” she winks._

_“We will. Give us five minutes before you call the cops.”_

_“ _You don’t need to worry about them._  Just keep that girl safe and be the role model they need.”_

“And then what?”

“And then? We went back to the car and came back here. Now, if we’re finished rehashing some of my more indecent behavior, I’d like to get back to my bedtime routine?”

The three men ignore you as they share looks before Dean breaks the silence. “This is why witches are the fucking worst.”

“You know I don’t like to scold you about your language, but really? In front of a lady?” you ask, arms crossed and lips pursed like an irritated nun.

“Oh, because your virgin fucking ears can’t handle it? It’s like spending too much time around those rookies made you stupid,” he taunts, making your eyes and mouth simultaneously widen in shock.

“Whoa whoa, okay, let’s uh,” Sam swoops in to stand between you and Dean, “We’re good here. Thanks.”

You stand up and storm out with a huff and Dean retreats to a corner. Cas continues to squint in your direction before turning to Sam and Dean. “It’s not a witch. I would have detected it.”

Sam’s phone rings in his pocket, but he ignores it to continue to try to deal with Dean’s anger, until it rings again and becomes the new source for it.

“Son of a bitch, Sammy, shut that damn thing up.”

“Yeah, yeah, just a…” he pauses as he looks at the caller ID, “It’s Ketch. Hello?” Sam puts the phone on speaker and sets it on the table.

“Hello Sam. Is it safe to assume your brother is close-by?”

“Yeah, and Cas is here too. Any news on the egg?”

“Not quite, but I can help with another problem.”

“Oh yeah?” Dean asks while he rubs at his eyes, “What’s that?”

“Well, I suppose you would like your girlfriend to return to her usual self? Though, I really don’t mind. The last time I called for a check-in, she and I had a lovely conversation regarding proper table etiquette. It was rather nice, and though she always has had the sunnier disposition, it’s clear that she’s a bit off, yes?”

“A bit? You’re going with a bit off? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Sam places a hand on Dean’s shoulder to keep him from attacking the phone. “Go on, Ketch.”

“As I was saying, I believe I can help. It appears you have a gnome problem.”

“W-what now?”

“A gnome. I don’t believe I mis-spoke. I can imagine your confused faces and no, they’re not hairy little creatures with pointy hats.”

Sam and Dean both look to Castiel for confirmation and he nods solemnly. “Thanks, Ketch. We got it from here.” Sam hangs up before he can even respond.

“Gnomes, Cas? Really?”

“Yes, Dean. Really. Though, like Ketch said, they’re not like the statues people place in their yards. The prophet - Pope, he wrote a little about them, but - “

“Pope? Like the Pope?” Dean checks, gesturing like he’s wearing a large, pointed hat.

“No, Alexander.”

“Alexander Pope was a prophet?” Sam asks, eyebrows furrowed and eyes squinted in disbelief.

“He was a sickly, Catholic outcast living in England. People mistook much of what he transcribed to be simply poetry, but-”

“Enough with the damn history lesson. Sam, you can get your nerdy rocks off later. What do we do about this? Because right now?” He smacks his open palm with the clenched knuckles of his other hand, “I’m ready to do some gnome fisting.”

Both Sam and Dean catch the error at the same time, heads lifting in sync to glare at each other.

“I know what I said and  _you know_  what I meant. Don’t make it weird.”

“It’s like the fifth base thing all over again,” Sam whispers as he shakes his head.

“Shut up, Sam. Now what, Cas? How come you couldn’t tell what was going on?”

“Well, gnomes are small, celestial creatures who protect prudish women. They’re earth-dwelling and very hard to detect. And since I am,” he holds up his fingers to make air-quotes, “‘Weak sauce’ as I have heard the kids say, it slipped through my detection. So, we need to find out who is being protected and she must request the gnome leave.”

“Heh, maybe I was right the way I said it. The gnome just needs a good fisting to get the fuck over herself…himself…itself? Do gnomes have genders? Oh shit.”

The three men share looks at the same time while they come to their conclusion.  
“Maggie.”

“Huh,” Sam chuckles and curves his mouth into his thinking frown, “Not so unnecessary now, is she?”

“You shut your mouth,” Dean rubs his hands over his face as he prepares to announce his grand plan. “Okay, so here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get Maggie to send to gnome away and then you are gonna deliver her to Jody; let her and the girls worry about her virtue. And on your way back, pick up some of those ugly little statues for target practice.’

Sam just stares at him, his expression weary and bored, “What are you gonna do?”

“While you’re doing that, I’ve got some twin beds to push together.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Heh? Heh? Oh, come on. Or I can come with you and we can talk more about the details involved in gnome fisting?”

Annoyed amusement flashes over Sam’s face, “I’ll go find Maggie, as long as you promise to never talk about gnome fisting again.”

“There would be so much lube…”


End file.
